Just Relax, Girl

Do people who are not mothers ever feel overcome by guilt?

In my nonscientific study (really, just spending a little time thinking about it...no study actually took place in any way), it seems that lots of mothers carry around a huge backpack filled to the brim with guilt. At least I do. I'm not talking about a little Dora the Explorer kindergarten bag, I mean a full-on weekend trek into the backwoods pack.

I'm pretty sure that men (or at least my husband) don't have such enormous guilt problems. Whenever I mention to him the crushing feeling of guilt, usually accompanied by tears or an attempt to choke them back, he gives me that little "Oh, aren't you cute? Slightly pitiful, but cute." smile that tells me he really has no idea. And believe me, this is a good thing! If we were both carrying around gigantic loads full of guilty feelings it would not be pretty.

The crazy thing is that all of a sudden, one day I realized something wasn't right. I was lugging around this enormous load, weighing me down to the point that I could barely breathe. The only thing I can figure out is that when you give birth, they secretly sneak the backpack over your shoulders since you're already so utterly blindsided by the entire process, so you don't even realize it's there. Left unchecked, this thing will weigh you down in no time.

I've been struggling lately to figure out how to lighten this guilt burden. Clearly, it is not good for me in any way. It is not helping me to be a better person. And definitely not a better mother. Where does it come from? Seems like fear is definitely a factor...fear that I'm not doing a good enough job, that I'm ruining my kids.

So I've been trying to be gentle with myself. To talk through the feelings with myself as the negative ones happen. To put less pressure on myself, and to remind myself that, mostly, I've been doing the best that I know how. Sometimes just sitting and breathing, even breathing without the added enhancement of nicotine, plain old breathing, helps.

She Does My Heart Good

My dear, darling, precious and wonderful little sister called me today, oh, around one-ish, and invited me to go get a coffee with her. I was this close to saying, "No, sorry, that sounds great but I can't." When I realized, wonder of wonders, I actually could.

All the usual reasons just did not hold true. The kids? At school. No money? $3 in quarters. Too much work? No project due today. No time? Look at that...an entire hour available.

She picked me up, we went to Starbucks, we had a wonderful if very overpriced beverage, out in the fabulously fresh Lancaster county air on an amazing pre-autumn afternoon. And we conversed, and did not even once make fun of any family members. (Not that we would ever do that. We do not do that.)

Now I'm thinking about how I almost missed an opportunity to have this lovely time with Karen. Why am I so quick to say, Nope...can't do it? Sure, lots of times I genuinely can't do fun things that I would like to, but plenty of times I can. And don't. I think I get stuck in the rut of my daily routine and that of my family, and just don't make time for fun.

My tendency upon this realization is to completely banish all schedules and routines and make room for nothing but fun, the complete opposite of where I am now. But I'm gradually becoming aware of this pendulum-swing quality about myself. (And I should by now, being nearly middle-aged at 35 and all.) The key seems to be moderation. That and really taking the time to listen to myself, and figure out what it is that I really want.

I really want more coffee visits with my sis!

Martin Family Gathering

Last evening, the Martin clan gathered for a family picnic at my Aunt Dorcas's house in Manheim. The Martin's are my mom's family. She's got four sisters and two brothers (one still living), plus all of their children and grandchildren, which makes for a rather large circle of lawn chairs out in the yard.

It was nice to see everyone, especially Grandma, the recent newlywed, age 87 and as lovely and smart and agile as when she held me on her lap to read to me when I was five. (Although she is still one to nod off pretty quick, just like in the middle of those stories when I was five. "Um, Grandma? Grandma? Excuse me? We were reading?") Grandpa passed away several years ago, and Grandma has kept herself up pretty well over the years - she's just a teeny little thing - so I would imagine the potential suitors started lining up pretty quickly. She married a very kind man named Clarence, and now Grandma Martin (she'll always be Grandma Martin to me) is officially Grandma Stoner. (Which is really quite funny when you think of illegal drug references and my little Mennonite grandma.)

We love to laugh when we all get together, and last night was no exception. We've had our share of pain and loss. (Which, by the way, is how we pronounce Aunt Lois's name, incidentally. Not "Low-iss" which I believe is the normal way. She's "Aunt Loss" to us and always has been. I understand that she likes the family members whose paths cross with hers out in the business world to say it properly. That must be hard to remember.)Yes, we've had pain and loss. In addition to losing Grandpa several years back, my Mom's oldest sister Nancy lost her husband way back in the mid-seventies when her kids, Randy and Leanne, were little. My own Dad died in the mid-eighties when my brother Robin and sister Karen and I were just kids, and Aunt Dorcas's husband Ken, the oldest Martin sibling, died about ten years ago when their daughter Kim was just a girl. This is really only about the half of it...just the deaths part of the pain. But the real point here is that because we've cried together, we can really, really laugh together, too! I think there is a direct correlation.

One of the comedic highlights of the evening came from Aunt Carolyn. Her husband, Uncle Danny, was not in attendance. They have no kids - it's just the two of them, and I think because of this they are very comfortable about doing their own thing. So Uncle Danny was on a hunting trip. "In Iowa," is what she said when the other uncles wanted to know where he went hunting, and what for. "Mule deer?" was her uncertain response. The details got sketchier and sketchier, until Uncle Lynn put two and two together and realized that Uncle Danny was not in Iowa at all, but in Colorado. We all found it quite amusing that Aunt Carolyn really had no clue at all what state her husband was in! Apparently I am keeping my husband on much, much too tight of a leash, because I need to know not only the state he's in, but also the zip code.

Hmmm, maybe I should reconsider becoming a morning person?

I shout out to the world my joy about becoming an early riser, and in less than 24 hours, the world shouts back at me..."Crystal, you may want to think about this." It seems that a study has just come out linking early risers and heart problems.

Here is the link.

Gee, I wonder if the fact that many, many early risers are geriatric could have anything to do with the heart problems thing?

I could go off on a rant about all of these studies that give us conflicting advice - Getting up early is bad! Sleeping in late is bad! Chocolate is good! Chocolate is not good! - but I have to hope that some advancement is taking place somewhere on some level. Right?

On Becoming a Morning Person

I've got to admit that I have always sort of disliked morning people. They tend to be so smug, so virtuous, rattling off all the things they've managed to accomplish before I've even had a chance to hit the snooze button. So what? Maybe when I'm up late at night, I'm getting lots of things checked off my to-do list. Did you ever think of that? Is a swiffered floor more perfectly swiffered at 6am than at 11pm?

But I've started to realize a few things lately.

Number One: I'm actually not getting all those things checked off my to-do list after 10pm. The probability that my time is being spent scrubbing toilets is pretty low.

Number Two: I am getting too old for this late night stuff. I need sleep, and plenty of it.

Number Three: I actually like early mornings! Who knew? I like being the first one up and around when the house is quiet (although I'll probably change my tune in January when it's pitch dark outside and the house is freezing cold).

Number Four: Did I mention the house being quiet? I love this about early mornings. Even though the girls go off to school, Kevin and I are both working from home these days, so the only time I get to enjoy the peacefulness is pre-7am.

I still don't like the "Morning Person" moniker. It sounds like someone who rises super-early to eat a bran muffin, power-walk around the neighborhood, sweep off the front porch before any coffee timers have started within a six block radius. But I do like the way I feel, like I'm starting to pull myself together a little more and more each day.

Poor Abandonded Blog.

I just found this little guy all rumpled up in the back of the closet...poor Bloggy, I had forgotten all about him. I can't imagine how he survived this long without being fed or watered.

He seemed like such a great thing for me at the time. I could love him, and nurture him, and pour all kinds of devotion into the little guy. At the end of a long day of kids and cleaning and cooking and errands and carpools, I could relax and unwind with him.

The thing is, life got in the way and I neglected my little buddy. Kid's schedules, a new job, out of town guests, the holidays...it all added up to fun times, but not much time for Bloggy.

Now that I've found him again, I'm determined to make it up to the poor little fella. He's going to get more attention than he knows what to do with. In fact, I've symbolically renamed him, giving both of us a fresh start.

Meet my Bloggy. His name is "sMothering", the blog formerly known as "Are These Real Hotdogs?"

P.S. I'm no longer vegetarian.

You gotta love Bawlmer, hon.

"The Greatest City on Earth", at least on the day that someone in Baltimore decreed that particular slogan should be painted on all the park benches in town. I found it to be pretty great, too, especially since Kevin and I sought out local hangouts instead of doing all the tourist trap Inner Harbor junk on this trip.

We spent our anniversary weekend there and had a fabulous time. We especially loved the wonderful Brewer's Art in the Mount Vernon section of the city for its amazing belgian ales (Resurrection!) and interesting bar menu (Rosemary Garlic Fries!). We got there early and scored a window seat by which to enjoy the evening. Next time we are definitely making dinner reservations, even if just for the pleasure of sitting in "the dining room that blew my mind".

What's for Supper?

I was so busy in the kitchen last evening that I didn't get around to posting the menu. So here's what we ate...

Southwestern Corn Chowder
Nouveau Iowa Potato-Black Bean Pie
A lovely Cabernet Sauvignon for the Big People
Zen Soy Chocolate Pudding

...a wonderfully hearty meal for a chilly autumn evening. It took me quite awhile to throw it all together, but that's mostly because I was chatting with my mother-in-law and trying to keep the kids occupied, all the while attempting to chop and stir and devote the proper attention to the dinner preparations. Still, I can't wait to make it again.

The chowder recipe, unlike any I'd tried before, is from Simply in Season, a terrific cookbook by Mary Beth Lind and Cathleen Hockman-Wert. The book is organized according to season, with sections titled Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter, and All Seasons. Under each section, you'll find the fruits and vegetables that are in season at that particular time. The Autumn page has got a beautiful orange photo of pumpkins with the list of produce: broccoli, brussels sprouts, cauliflower, collards, cranberries, grapes, kale, pears, persimmons, pumpkin, swiss chard, and winter squash. Simply in Season is my go-to cookbook when I bring home an interesting farmer's market find that I hadn't bought with a plan in mind.

And while I might sound like a paid spokesperson, the cookbook is a project of an organization called Mennonite Central Committee, "...to promote the understanding of how the food choices we make affect our lives and the lives of those who produce the food. MCC is a relief, community development, and peace organization of the Mennonite and Brethren in Christ churches in Canada and the United States."

The Southwestern Corn Chowder recipe was different from most in that it didn't have a creamy milk-type base. You simply saute onion in olive oil, add vegetable broth and sweet corn, simmering gently, and puree part of the soup. Finish with some chopped tomatoes and sweet red peppers (I used orange peppers for some added color), and then top with a splash of lime and a sprinkling of cilantro. In keeping with the southwestern feel of the soup I added a nice amount of cumin. I wish we had leftovers.

The Nouveau Iowa Potato-Black Bean Pie (what a fancy name!) is from the enormous cookbook by Crescent Dragonwagon (again with the names!) called Passionate Vegetarian. And I was pretty sure that my kids would either passionately love the recipe, or passionately hate it. Turns out they thought it was great. Plus I think the fact that the meal didn't arrive at the table until nearly 7:00pm and their tummies were rumbling helped a little, too.

I could put mashed potatoes on top of most savory dishes and the children would chow down without bothering to ask "what else is in here, mom?" They are some mashed potato loving kids. Fortunately they like the mashed potatoes made with soy milk,too. If my mom had tried to pull that shit when I was a kid I would've sat at the dinner table and gagged with a vengeance.

Under the delicious pile of potatoey fluff is an equally delicious combination of sauteed onions, celery and garlic mixed together with lots of refried beans, taco-style crumbles, and a can of diced tomatoes with green chiles. The combination of the two layers is absolutely delish. Lucky for me there are leftovers of the pie. Is 10:00am too early for lunch?

The Family Freak Flag is Flying High

Remember how horrible it was back in junior high when your mom packed some crazy health food item in your lunch? Something that no one else in the whole school would have ever heard of, let alone ever eaten? Like whole wheat bread? All you want is to be normal like everyone else, but mom has to go and let the Family Freak Flag fly. Thanks mom.

Turns out I am now that mom. I am my mom. Hi mom...I am you. You can go escape to Hawaii or Tahiti or wherever your little heart desires because I have officially taken your place. I am now The Most Embarrassing Mom in the World. The kids thought it couldn't get worse, but they were oh so wrong. See I've completely lost it, gone over the edge and gone vegan. And I couldn't be happier about it...not just because my kids are horrified either. I'm thrilled to be embracing a plant-based lifestyle after many years of tossing the idea around. The time has finally come.

So just when the kids are starting to get used to the idea of tofu dogs, soy burgers and the like, they are now going to be seeing lots of soy milk, soy yogurt, soy pudding, etc. Lucky kids.

Someday they'll thank me, just like I now thank my mom for the whole wheat bread. Hey, does that mean I get to escape to Tahiti someday too?

Autumn May or May Not Be in the Air

My sister Karen and I had this great conversation out on the balcony last evening, as we enjoyed the briskness of the night air and the hum of the helicopters flying over the city. (Apparently they're getting hard on crime again.) Karen is of the opinion that this chilly spell is just a tiny little bump in the unending summer that we will be experiencing this year. She feels that the warmth could and just might last forever. I on the other hand believe that summer is now officially over, and in fact we have moved right into "pre-winter".

I guess it's all in how you look at it. Wonder what that says about me, assuming summer is completely gone, and why I want it ended? Or her, and why she wants it to continue forever? Probably it has something to do with the fact that she is young and has her whole future ahead of her, and I'm old and washed up and my idea of fun centers on scrubbing the woodwork with a toothbrush.

Either that, or she likes summer a lot and I like autumn a lot.

What's for Supper?

Amy's Broccoli Pot Pie
Mashed Potatoes
Wendy Jo's Pumpkin Roll from Historic Lancaster Central Market

Seems as if I barely set foot in the kitchen today, doesn't it? And that would be correct. It's nice to be able to fall back on a delicious veggie pot pie like Amy's frozen varieties. And the kids love them, so we're all happy. We hit the jackpot when dessert time came around...I had completely forgotten about the wonderful pumpkin roll treats that I purchased yesterday on a trip to market, so that was a nice surprise. Do drop by Central Market if you ever find yourself in the lovely city of Lancaster, Pennsylvania. It's the oldest continuously operating farmer's market in the nation!

What's for Supper?

Vegetarian Sausage Rolls
Macaroni and Cheese
Baked Beans
Tossed Salad

Something new! Mmmmm...Vegetarian English Sausage Rolls. Even the meat-eaters loved them. My husband remarked that he liked the fact that it wasn't just another vegetarian convenience food (which I've apparently been relying on a little too heavily lately). But they were super easy and super quick. Basically you take two convenience foods - Pepperidge Farms Puff Pastry and Gimme Lean Veggie Sausage - and a completely homemade item is magically created. Hallelujah!

You can find the recipe for Vegetarian English Sausage Rolls at the lovely blog Albion Cooks. The photos are outstanding over there.

The Reason for the Corny Name

My girls like to give me a hard time. They really, really like making me crazy. See I've been a vegetarian for just shy of two years now, and still hardly a meal goes by where the little knuckleheads don't ask me "Momma, is there meat in this?" To which I respond "No. Duh."

I especially like when they ask me something like..."Are these hotdogs real?" And I get to say that of course they are real, you can see them sitting on your plate, right? They are real tofu dogs, sillies.