Just Relax, Girl

Do people who are not mothers ever feel overcome by guilt?

In my nonscientific study (really, just spending a little time thinking about it...no study actually took place in any way), it seems that lots of mothers carry around a huge backpack filled to the brim with guilt. At least I do. I'm not talking about a little Dora the Explorer kindergarten bag, I mean a full-on weekend trek into the backwoods pack.

I'm pretty sure that men (or at least my husband) don't have such enormous guilt problems. Whenever I mention to him the crushing feeling of guilt, usually accompanied by tears or an attempt to choke them back, he gives me that little "Oh, aren't you cute? Slightly pitiful, but cute." smile that tells me he really has no idea. And believe me, this is a good thing! If we were both carrying around gigantic loads full of guilty feelings it would not be pretty.

The crazy thing is that all of a sudden, one day I realized something wasn't right. I was lugging around this enormous load, weighing me down to the point that I could barely breathe. The only thing I can figure out is that when you give birth, they secretly sneak the backpack over your shoulders since you're already so utterly blindsided by the entire process, so you don't even realize it's there. Left unchecked, this thing will weigh you down in no time.

I've been struggling lately to figure out how to lighten this guilt burden. Clearly, it is not good for me in any way. It is not helping me to be a better person. And definitely not a better mother. Where does it come from? Seems like fear is definitely a factor...fear that I'm not doing a good enough job, that I'm ruining my kids.

So I've been trying to be gentle with myself. To talk through the feelings with myself as the negative ones happen. To put less pressure on myself, and to remind myself that, mostly, I've been doing the best that I know how. Sometimes just sitting and breathing, even breathing without the added enhancement of nicotine, plain old breathing, helps.